Does sleeping with him too soon really ruin the relationship? Is it possible to have sex too soon?
Will sleeping with a guy too soon cause him to immediately lose interest and head for the hills? This is an age-old debate with no concrete answer. I’ve been writing about relationships and coaching women for over a decade and I can’t even tell you how many messages I get from women freaking out that they slept with a guy too soon and now he acts a bit oddly and what if he’s gone forever?
The good news is that unless he’s some kind of flirty guy who sleeps with women for sports, a guy won’t lose interest just because you slept with him too soon. However, this topic is not that simple, so let me break it down.
A close friend of mine recently met an amazing guy on an online site go out together to place. He was smart, successful, and a Bradley Cooper lookalike. Things got off to a promising start.
They exchanged a few loving messages and he asked her out that Saturday night. They had an amazing time on this date, they kept messaging and he asked her out the following Saturday at the start of the week. Another nice date with nice conversation and enjoying each other’s company (and some passionate kisses) and he booked it again for the following Saturday night.
Before the date, she told me she wasn’t sure about this guy. She thought he was great on paper and all, but she didn’t really feel like they had much to talk about; she mostly thought he was really hot. She decided she was going to have sex with him after their third date, and I didn’t really offer much advice because it didn’t seem like she was interested in having a real relationship with him anyway.
So they spent a passionate night together and continued to text each other in the days that followed, but something had changed…
My friend told me that she was waiting for him to ask her out this Saturday night because she had bought tickets for a booze cruise and thought it would make a fun date. He usually asked her out Saturday night no later than Wednesday, and since he still hadn’t asked her on Thursday, she started to panic.
They were still in touch; he would always text her full of sexual innuendo. But sometimes he wouldn’t text, or just let it go when she asked him about something unrelated to sex.
Suddenly, their relationship went from fancy Saturday night dates to random 2 a.m. hookups. He never texted her until 11 p.m., and even though he was nice and nice and all that when they were hanging out, all he wanted to do was have fun (and sometimes order food and s fun).
I stood silently as everything began to unravel. I have a policy of not giving relationship advice to my friends unless they explicitly ask for it (and most of the time they won’t because they know I’m going to hit them with the truth and that they prefer to remain in denial!). Also, my friends sometimes get mad at me for not giving them the answers they want, so to keep the peace, I’ll be a mom until things go wrong.
And when they did, my friend finally called me and said, “I don’t understand. I really, really like him. What did I do wrong?”
First I pointed out that she didn’t start to really, really like him until he stopped acting that way towards her. But even still, I told her emphatically that she had slept with him too soon. It was a pretty open and closed case, probably one of the easiest relationship questions I’ve been asked.
“What do you mean?” she replied. “I waited for the third date! Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do?
I tried to stifle my laughter at the absurdity of his statement. “Okay, well, tell me that. What did you really know about this guy? What do you know about him that you couldn’t find out from his online dating profile or social media pages? »
“Ummm… Well, he was showing me pictures of his nieces and nephews and talking about them!
” It does not count. Anyone on Facebook or Instagram could see the photos, and I’m sure they tell their friends and colleagues about it. Do you know what his ultimate goals are? His fears? What makes him happy? What are its weak points?
And therein lies the problem. She slept with him before they developed a real connection. They were still in the informal phase of getting to know each other. He hadn’t shown any level of investment (I know having three Saturday night dates in a row with a guy can make it look like he’s invested, but it’s not ). They didn’t really know each other; all they knew were the superficial details that anyone else might know about.
When it comes to having sex with a guy, dating quantity is an arbitrary measure of your relationship status. What matters is the quality the time you spend together. A girl who sleeps with a guy on the first date after an evening of intense, meaningful conversation that fosters a bond is much more likely to have a lasting relationship than a girl who sleeps with a guy she doesn’t have. really connected. the fifth date.
The guy my friend was dating never really invested in her. Yeah, he was attracted and somewhat interested, but after sex was in the mix, he lost interest in pursuing things further. Why should he take her on good dates, drink her, and dine her when he can call her at 1 a.m. when he’s feeling horny and his needs are being met? When sex happens before a real emotional connection is made, it’s hard to go back.
For men sex is sex and love is love. And one does not lead to the other. Many women make the mistake of thinking that sex is some kind of milestone in the relationship, but that’s not how most men view it.
My friend didn’t really start having feelings until the guy’s interest started to wane. This is another common phenomenon that I see frequently and there are several reasons for it.
If we want to talk about it from a scientific point of view. I’m sure you’ve heard of oxytocin, aka “the love hormone.” It’s essentially released any time of physical contact, so the more intimate you are, the closer you’ll feel to that person.
Then there is the universal human phenomenon of wanting what we cannot have. As soon as he started losing interest in her, she saw him as inherently more valuable and started investing even more (and there are psychological reasons behind this which we can discuss in another article!) .
The right time to sleep with a guy is when he has shown a level of investment in you. (That’s assuming you want a relationship with him. If you want a friend with benefits or a regular booty call, then sleep with him whenever you want – be careful!)
It doesn’t necessarily mean that he calls you his girlfriend or that he told you he loves you. This means you can both drop your masks and be real when you’re together. This means he shares things with you that he doesn’t share with other people in his life (and vice versa). It means he cares about you and respects you as a person.
As women, we’ve been told all our lives that we have to make a guy wait for sex, like it’s a bargaining chip to hang in front of him in order to get what we want from him. I get where the idea came from, and there’s some truth to that, but it doesn’t get to the heart of the matter and leaves too much room for interpretation. Most women believe that the longer she lingers in having sex with him, the more he will pursue her and the more invested he will be. Maybe it can work, but usually it doesn’t and the guy will see through what you’re trying to pull off.
The problem isn’t how long you wait – a guy who really likes you won’t mind if you sleep with him from the start. The problem is that men don’t appreciate what they perceive to be easily and readily available to all other men.
When you sleep with a guy before you really know him, it’s easy for him to assume that any other guy could have done it. When you sleep with him after finding out who he really is, he believes you slept with him because he’s amazing and you wouldn’t have given in so easily if it was any other guy. See the distinction?
As for my friend, I tried to help her get back on track but their relationship had sunk too far into the booty call zone and couldn’t be revived. She tried not to see him unless it was on a date (and he found ways to dodge that and was only free when he could come have sex and was always too busy when she was suggesting an activity), she didn’t respond to his sexts, and she tried to find out more about him, but nothing worked and in the end he just vanished into the abyss.
Frequently Asked Questions
How long do you have to wait to sleep with someone? If you want a relationship with this person, wait until they’ve shown that they’re invested in you and really care about you. Remember, the quantity of dates does not make sense, it is the quality time together that matters.
On average, how many dates do people go on before having sex? It really depends, but not a lot!
Do guys lose respect if you sleep with them? No, I wouldn’t say they lose respect per se. They can lose interest, but usually a guy who loses interest after sex wasn’t really interested to begin with. Maybe he loved you…but not enough. It all really depends on your intention. If you sleep with him to get him to like you, yes, he might disrespect you because it’s a degrading thing to do.
What does he think after you sleep with him? Again, it depends on the circumstances. If it’s a guy who really likes you, he’ll be thrilled! If he’s a guy who likes you but isn’t quite ready for a serious relationship… he can speed up the breaks a bit to get things done at a more leisurely pace. If he was only attracted to you but not very interested in you… he might be afraid that you were getting too attached to him. But no man, at least no emotionally healthy man, will feel repulsed by a woman for the simple fact that she slept with him.
What signs might he show if he regrets sleeping with you? He will likely avoid you, withdraw, act cold towards you, or downright ghost you.
We’re not exclusive or official yet, but I know he slept with someone else. What should I do with this information? You need to be clear about what you want. If you want an exclusive relationship and the fact that he slept with someone else seems devastating to you, talk to him about it. If he wants to keep things open and you can’t handle him, then he’s not the man for you.