Catalog cover

This dad is ready to hand over

Once your child stops laughing and says “Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner?” It was Chewie! you know it’s time to move on.

I still remember the first time I told my six-year-old son, Lev, that a clam was making calls with his “shell phone.” The grateful laugh when he first heard the joke was a moment I will never forget. When I told it a second time in front of his friends Henry and Amir, I could see how proud he was that I made his friends laugh. Excuse the bragging, but I was the cool dad.

When the children grow up, the father jokes

By Lev’s ninth birthday, things had started to change. After the seventh or eighth time, I asked him “What do you call someone without a body and a nose?” he rolled his eyes disdainfully. “I get it, dad…”

“…Nobody knows!”

“Stop it, dad!”

I immediately shifted gears in the food puns, reminding him and his friends that melons have marriages because they ‘cantaloupe’, but got nothing but nods and averted eyes. I’m pretty sure I heard him say “sorry about my dad” to his friends as they all ran off together to play on their phones.

Dale May for Reader’s Digest

I was the life of all the children’s parties. When I was just an uncle, all the little ones loved my little nose. I was the one who always had a knock-knock joke ready. (Knock, knock. Who’s there? Nobel. Nobel who? Nobel, so I have knock knock.) Other parents loved that I could show up at any event and entertain their kids with puns. age-appropriate and moan-worthy, like the ever-popular “Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in?” He went to see Closed for winter.”

Sure, there were other daddies with their bits, but I felt like no one ever stole my crown. My wife disconnected me a long time ago, but she knew that my relentless quest for children’s laughter, however shameless, was in my blood. I believe that as the children grew up, they took a cue from me only to be embarrassed by their head-shaking mother’s disdain. We are working on the problem.

Ready to pass the torch

I’m telling you all this because after much soul-searching, I believe it’s time. My kids aren’t grown and aren’t home, but I’ve realized that I can never match my past successes. I need our relationship to grow. I need to be able to talk to my kids about things other than how a witch’s car goes “broom, broom.”

Thus, I offer my entire catalog of jokes for sale on the open market. Puns, menacing tickles, knock-knock jokes, goofy faces, fart noises that don’t come from my butt, double takes, and even inappropriate spit catch lines. I’m done with them all, and it’s a good time to sell my inheritance to a deserving new dad.

Puns, knock-knock jokes, goofy faces, double take... I'm done with all that.

The catalog features my most famous work, including my everyday killer at my nephew’s breakout: “After my breakout, I couldn’t walk for about a year!” And my mock indignant kindergarten graduation routine: “Well, now he better get a job!”

I could go on.

As with all great works of art, my collection is priceless. But I can tell you that the first time you make your toddler laugh at the phrase “I don’t trust the stairs.” They are always up to something”, you will feel it is worth any price.

If you’re looking to make your kids laugh, even if they’re adults, try some of these dad jokes.